Funny newspaper stories

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ....

GRAN THEFT AUTO
A boy of seven faces a car theft rap after nicking his gran's 4x4 and crashing it into four other vehicles in Florida, US.

TYRED TO THE MOON
A man, 41, was charged with drink-driving after being seen at Newton Popleford, Devon, with just three tyres on his car.

I DON'T
Divorcing couples can re-visit the vicar who married them for an end-of-marriage service in Zurich, Switzerland.

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ...

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

It's Champions League week and I'm backing Man U to see off Barca and Liverpool to do it against Chelsea.
I also fancy Fiorentia to knock a few past Rangers and Bayern Munich to use their experience and get an away win in St Petersburg.

£2 trebles and a 4-fold - all up for £115.

Funny newspaper phrases

Journalists love nothing more than a good "knobbly monster" - a desperate attempt not to use the same word again . . . when there is only one.

Named after Paul Hudson, who was writing about alligators when, having used up "reptiles", he resorted to "the knobbly monsters".

Here are some classic funny newspaper knobbly monsters ..

Alzheimer's - the memory-sapping complaint

Shawls - the multi-coloured crochet creations

Sunken treasure - the watery bounty

Prostitution - the taboo service

Newspaper gift

The Editor loves a freebie with his paper but even I can't get excited about today's offering from The Guardian - a free Science Course!
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Scoop6 and my other dodgy bets

It's Old Firm weekend and everyone's right up for it, there's bad blood between the players, the chairmen and of course the fans. Magic.

But before we even think about 33/1 McManus there's business to take care of today.

Three cracking lunchtime games too.

Man U are huge at 2/1, Swindon hammered Port Vale 6-0 last week, won in midweek and are 10/3 to beat Gillingham today. The Gills (or whatever their nickname is) are fighting for their lives and need to win but I'll stick with my Swindon pals. Which brings us to Fir Park. I've gone from fancying United, to fancying Well so going for the draw.

A 40/1 treble there but I'm going £1 doubles and a treble - all up for £76.

In the afternoon I'm sticking a fiver on Killie (4/11) Clyde (4/9) Stoke (4/9) and to make some money Hibs (7/4) All up for £40.

My main line will be Sheff Utd, Bournemouth, Newcastle, Stockport and Spurs (they've cost me so many coupons it's not true but surely they've got to come good for me today - Bolton are battling but they're poor Spurs are over-priced at 4/5)
All up for £130.

Personalised wedding gifts

Scooped! has added a Daily Scoop-style wedding newspaper to its brilliant range of personalised wedding gifts.

Show the bride and groom how special their big day is - by putting them on the front page of a spoof newspaper.

A personalised wedding newspaper is the perfect personalised wedding gift for any bride and groom.

Give the new Mr and Mrs a special keepsake and mark their wedding day by putting them in the paper with a personalised newspaper gift.

Just supply two pictures of the happy couple and Scooped! will do the rest.

Personalise our Wedding template page or have a professional journalist write and design your completely unique bespoke front page for that truly special personalised wedding gift.

Funny newspaper stories

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ....

HARD WORK
Educated women find it harder to have an orgasm because they are too busy thinking of other things, a German study found.

MONEY AND DADDY
Nearly one in ten adults has helped their parents with cash, a poll found.

GROANER LISAS
Women porn movie makers have won a £30,000 grant after arguing their lesbian flicks are "artistic" in Sweden.

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ...

Paper talk

My football gift to you ... the best of rumours and gossip from today's sports pages.

Newcastle boss Kevin Keegan will launch a £15m bid to sign Barcelona striker Thierry Henry. (The Sun)

Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez summer shopping list includes Wigan winger Antonio Valencia. (Daily Mirror)

Benitez also wants Gareth Barry, Borussia Dortmund's Philipp Degen, Athletico Bilbao's Fernando Amorebieta and Espanyol's Albert Riera. (Mirror)

Atletico Madrid midfielder Maxi Rodriguez is another target for Benitez. (The Sun)

Chelsea have told Real Madrid that they must pay £18m to sign striker Didier Drogba. (Daily Star)

Manchester City hope to sign Liverpool's Peter Crouch, Tottenham's Aaron Lennon and CSKA Moscow duo Jo and Daniel Carvalho this summer. (Various)

Funny newspaper phrases

Journalists love nothing more than a good "knobbly monster" - a desperate attempt not to use the same word again . . . when there is only one.

Named after Paul Hudson, who was writing about alligators when, having used up "reptiles", he resorted to "the knobbly monsters".

Here are some classic funny newspaper knobbly monsters ..

Nigel Kennedy - The lumpy-necked fiddler

Postman Pat's cat - Genial Pat's feline sidekick

Saudi Arabia - The desert kingdom

Uri Geller - The wacky mystic spoon-bender

Graduation newspaper gift

Scooped! produce brilliant personalised newspapers as gifts for all occasions - including graduations.

Let the graduate know how proud you are of them - by making them front page news!

Our graduation newspapers are available in two different styles; The Scoop (red-top tabloid style) and the soon-to-be unveiled The Daily Scoop (middle market style).

A personalised newspaper front page is the perfect personalised graduation gift.

Personalise our graduation template page or have a professional journalist write and design your completely unique bespoke front page for that truly special personalised graduation gift.

Football gifts

Sports stars talking mince ... and it's the same old faces once again.

Phil Thompson: "If the Liverpool board are going to wash their dirty linen in public they should do it behind closed doors."

Charlie Nicholas: "I'm not going to be negative here, but the standard of Scottish football has gone down."

Graeme Souness: "English clubs pay higher wages than anyone. Apart from the two Milan clubs. And Barcelona. And Real Madrid."
Matt Le Tissier: "Chelsea don't deserve to win the title. But at the end of the day, if they get more points than Man United, they'll deserve to win it."

Scoop of the day

My favourite story from this morning's newspapers is the Daily Mail's splash - it reports that drug dealers are breaking into jails to sell their wares to inmates.

Funny newspaper stories

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ....

NAOMI CAMPBALD
Model Naomi Campbell was at the centre of a riddle last night after revealing what looked like a bald patch during the opening night of The Metropolitan Opera in New York.

SCENT TO WAR
Boffins are training mongooses to sniff out unexploded landmines in Sri Lanka.

And finally ....

John Smeaton in today's Scottish Sun advising the great George Galloway to give his mouth a rest. Pot, kettle.

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ...

Paper talk

My football gift to you - all today's rumours from the papers

Newcastle are close to buying highly-rated Croatia midfielder Luka Modric from Dinamo Zagreb for about £12m. (Various)

Tottenham and Manchester City have been sounded out about signing Brazil superstar Ronaldinho after his move to AC Milan collapsed. (Daily Mirror)

But Milan still want Ronaldinho despite Barcelona's £40m asking price - and the player wants that move too. (Guardian)

City are also considering a move for Bolton striker El-Hadji Diouf. (Various)

But they face competition from Valencia, who will bid £5m for the Senegal international. (Daily Mirror)

Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez spoke to owner Tom Hicks on Wednesday and listed his transfer targets, which include Aston Villa's Gareth Barry. (Star)

But Villa boss Martin O'Neill is ready to smash Villa's pay structure to keep hold of his player. (Various)

Real Madrid have added Chelsea centre-back Ricardo Carvalho to their wanted list, along with his Blues team-mate Didier Drogba. The Spanish giants also hope to lure Cristiano Ronaldo from Manchester United. (Star)

Chelsea and Liverpool are set to battle it out for the signature of Blackburn winger David Bentley. (The Times)

Arsenal midfielder Matthieu Flamini is on the verge of leaving to join Italian giants Juventus. (Independent).

And the Gunners' midfield could be further depleted by the departure of Alexander Hleb to Inter Milan. (The Guardian)

Arsenal are interested in signing PSV Eindhoven goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes, Lyon winger Hatem Ben Arfa and Valencia striker David Villa. (Daily Star)

Tottenham are also in the race for Gomes. However, the £10m price tag could put off both clubs. (Express)

Spurs' other goalkeeping targets include Espanyol's Carlos Kameni, Villarreal's Diego Lopez, Manchester United's Ben Foster and Udinese's Samir Handanovic. (Express)

Sporting Lisbon want Middlesbrough midfielder Fabio Rochemback. (Various)

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez is tracking Argentine international Maxi Rodriguez. (Daily Mirror)

Marcus Bent will seek a permanent switch to Wigan, where he is on loan from Charlton, if the club stays in the Premier League. (Daily Mirror)

Newcastle want Chelsea midfielder Steve Sidwell, who is also being chased by Blackburn and Sunderland. (The Sun)

Tottenham are interested in Real Madrid's Esteban Granero and Chelsea's Tal Ben Haim. (Daily Express)

Chelsea could move for Inter Milan striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic, although his team-mate Mario Balotelli is being considered as an alternative.

But Didier Drogba, Florent Malouda, Frank Lampard, Shaun Wright-Phillips and Tal Ben Haim could all leave Chelsea in the summer. (Independent)

Goalkeeper Carlo Cudicini may also join the exodus from Stamford Bridge. (Independent)

Derby manager Paul Jewell is interested in signing Everton midfielder Lee Carsley. (Independent)

Celtic are considering a move for tough-tackling Dinamo Zagreb midfielder Ognjen Vukojevic. (Daily Mail)

St Mirren are leading the chase for soon to be out-of-contract Falkirk captain Jack Ross. (Daily Express)

Crystal Palace insist youngsters Lee Hills, Victor Moses, Sean Scannell and John Bostock will not be sold if the club fails to win promotion. (Various)

Plymouth defender Paul Connolly will move to Charlton in the summer after seven years at the club. (Various)

Oldham are monitoring teenage Wigan striker Chris McCaughtrie, who will be allowed to leave the club on a free transfer. (Daily Star)

Cardiff and Coventry are competing for the signature of Oxford defender Luke Foster. (Daily Star)

Funny newspaper headlines

Funny newspaper headlines that somehow made it to print . . .

No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim

Jury Suspects Foul Play In Death Of Man Shot, Burned & Buried In Shallow Grave

Thieves Steal Burglar Alarm

Robber's Description: Man, Possibly A Woman, Definitely Ugly

Funny newspaper phrases

Journalists love nothing more than a good "knobbly monster" - a desperate attempt not to use the same word again . . . when there is only one.

Named after Paul Hudson, who was writing about alligators when, having used up "reptiles", he resorted to "the knobbly monsters".

Here are some classic funny newspaper knobbly monsters ..

Traffic cone - The lightweight obstacle

North Pole - Earth's most northern point

Wallflowers - The rewarding biennial

David Seaman - The pony-tailed stopper

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

What a week! Tuesday I was 20 seconds away from a £95 until Chelsea scored that goal. Still I got £8.50 back for my £1 treble.

I used half of that to stick 11/5 Stirling and 2/1 Barca/Man U draw double on and got £38.50 back.

Tonight I'm going for a Fiorentina (13/8) and Bayern (2/5) double and also a cheeky wee Rangers ht Fiorentina ft at 22/1 though I'm sure you'll get 33s for that elsewhere (Hills are rubbish when it comes to ht/ft bets)

Wish me luck ....

Funny newspaper stories

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ...

LAID OFF
Staff at Deutsche Bank have been told they can't charge brothel visits and hotel adult TV on expenses because of the credit crunch.

BEAKING NEWS
A duck marched her 14 ducklings along a street and into a newsagent's in Bridgewater, Somerset.

CHILD PROF-DIGY
Blonde Alia Sabur is the world's youngest professor, in cell science, at a university in Seoul, South Korea - aged 18.

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ...

Paper talk

My football gift to you .... all the transfer rumours from today's paper.

Japanese club Yokohama Marinos are in Glasgow for talks with Celtic midfielder Shunsuke Nakamura. (Daily Record)

Manager Sven-Goran Eriksson could have a mouthwatering attacking line-up next season as City believe they can successfully re-enter the race to sign Ronaldinho after a breakdown in negotiations between Barcelona and AC Milan. (Daily Telegraph)

Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger fears the Gunners could lose Alexander Hleb after the midfielder - who can buy out his contract for a knockdown fee - had a secret meeting with Inter Milan. (Daily Mirror)

Emmanuel Adebayor could also be on his way to Italy after the Arsenal striker was linked with AC Milan and Juventus. "Milan have looked at him and so have Juventus," said the player's agent Vincenzo Morabito. (The Independent)

Tottenham are set to make a £3m offer for Getafe defender Daniel Diaz, 29. (Daily Mirror)

Spurs boss Juande Ramos is eager to boost his defensive options and is ready to end Tal Ben Haim's Chelsea nightmare. The 26-year-old has made only 17 starts for the Blues since his summer move from Bolton. (Daily Mail)

Manchester City are preparing to smash their transfer record on CSKA Moscow's Brazilian forward Jo, 21, in a move that could cost close to £20m. (The Guardian and Daily Mirror)

Manager Rafael Benitez wants Newcastle's Steve Harper to battle with Pepe Reina for the number one goalkeeping spot at Liverpool. The 32-year-old could cost as little as £500,000. (The Sun)

Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp is ready to offer Fulham £5m for Jimmy Bullard if the Londoners are relegated. (The Sun)

Derby could sign Everton midfielder Lee Carsley as manager Paul Jewell prepares for the Championship. (The Independent)

Bayern Munich, Juventus and Fiorentina are interested in goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer, who is set to leave Middlesbrough in the summer. (The Sun)

West Brom are lining up a £500,000 move for Dundee midfielder Kevin McDonald (Daily Mail)

St Johnstone will hold talks with Jody Morris to secure the former Chelsea midfielder on a long-term contract. (Daily Record)

Scoop of the day

My favourite newspaper story of the day is The Daily Express' splash which reveals that British doctors have pioneered a bionic eye that will restore sight for millions.

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

Tonight I'm for Liverpool (6/5) Wolves (5/6) Swindon (11/5) and Hereford (4/9)
A fiver 4-fold pays 95 bucks.

Breaking News: SPL season to be extended

THE Clydesdale Bank Premier League season will be extended by four days to May 22 if Rangers reach the UEFA Cup final.

The Scottish Premier League have revealed two provisional fixture lists, one which will be implemented if Rangers beat Fiorentina in their European semi-final, and the other for if they are beaten by the Italians.

Both fixture lists include a run of two SPL games in three days for Rangers, who would have to play the Scottish Cup final two days after their final league game if their European run continues.

If they miss out on the UEFA Cup final, which takes place on May 14 in Manchester, Rangers must play St Mirren on May 13 and May 15.

That would allow the season to end on schedule, on May 18.

However should Rangers overcome Fiorentina those dates would become unsuitable.

Walter Smith's side would instead face Motherwell on May 17, rather than travel to Aberdeen the following day, which was due to be their final game of the campaign according to the original fixture list.

They would then play St Mirren on Tuesday, May 20, and face Aberdeen on Thursday, May 22 - two days before their Scottish Cup final date with Queen of the South.

The other matches involving top-six sides - Dundee United v Celtic and Hibernian v Motherwell - would also be played on May 22 to ensure the season finishes for each club at the same time.

Because Fir Park would be required on May 17 if Rangers reach the Manchester final, Gretna's final match would have to be moved and a date of May 8 has been pencilled in by SPL chiefs.

Rangers' outstanding games against St Mirren and Motherwell presented the SPL with their problem.

SPL secretary Iain Blair said: "It is well documented that this has been an exceptionally challenging season in terms of fixturing.

"The combination of a number of diverse circumstances has produced unparalleled scheduling problems.

"The publication of these two models now gives our clubs, their fans and our broadcasting and other partners early notice of when these games might be played.

"Our aim throughout has been to protect the integrity of our competition, balance the interests of our member clubs and have regard to player welfare and fixturing precedent. The models we have prepared seek to discharge this aim.

"Both models reflect the fixturing complications the SPL has faced this season.

"The first model will be adopted if Rangers FC fail to beat Fiorentina in the UEFA Cup semi-finals.

"The second model exceptionally provides a modest extension to the season to enable Rangers to represent the SPL and all of Scottish football in the UEFA Cup final.

"It reflects the fact that the outstanding fixtures cannot reasonably be played in the available time and will involve some disruption for a number of our clubs.

"This model will involve moving the last round of top-six games to Thursday May 22.

"It is clear that future requests for changes to our scheduled fixture list will have to be compelling before approval is given."

Games have been postponed for varying reasons this season, with four put back to later dates following the death of Motherwell captain Phil O'Donnell in December.

Eight have been postponed due to waterlogged pitches; the two games involving Rangers and Celtic ahead of Scotland's crucial Euro 2008 qualifier against Italy were called off after a Scottish FA request; and Rangers succeeded in a request to have their SPL game against Gretna postponed in December to afford them extra preparation time for their Champions League game against Lyon.

Hen night newspaper

Scooped! produce personalised newspapers as gifts for all occasions.

Including in our range of templates is Hen Night newspaper front pages.

As the only personalised newspaper gift company in the UK that is run by real journalists with real experience of working in national newspapers, we also write and design bespoke front pages for any occasion.

Here is an example of a bespoke hen weekend newspaper front page.

Our bespoke pages are completely unique. Your page will be designed exactly as you want it .. original story, original headlines, original picture captions - no two pages are ever the same.

Call our news desk on 0141 639 9918 for a personal interview with a Scooped! reporter or email us the details. Tell us all about the person, give us any funny stories or tell us what you would like included in your unique front page and our professional journalists will do the rest.

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ...

Funny newspaper stories

Funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ....

DEAD WEIGHT
A morgue has bought a forklift as a third of bodies it receives are too fat for workers to move in Sydney, Australia.

OUT OF ORDER
Heartbroken Karen Minto, 22, has appealed to thieves to return her rottweiler puppy called Asbo in Fleetwood, Lancs.

OIL WE NEED
Three in four men now get a garage to put oil in their cars and do other basic work, a survey reveals.

Paper talk

My football gift to you .... all the transfer talk, rumours and gossip from today's newspapers!

Former Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho has agreed to become Inter Milan manager and the Special One is eyeing a £35m double swoop for Stamford Bridge duo Frank Lampard and Didier Drogba. (The Sun and Daily Mirror)

Samuel Eto'o has threatened to quit Barcelona, putting Chelsea on red alert. "I want to win titles and if I can't do it here then it will be in another club," said the Cameroon striker. (The Sun)

Juventus have offered Arsenal midfielder Mathieu Flamini, whose contract expires at the end of the season, a five-year deal worth £3.5m a year. (Daily Mail)

Chelsea are looking to step up their £20m interest in Bayern Munich winger Franck Ribery. (Daily Mail)

Everton and Middlesbrough are chasing Nuremburg's Bosnian striker Zvejdan Misimovic. The 25-year-old is believed to be available for around £1m. (Daily Mirror)

Veteran striker Paul Dickov, currently on loan with Blackpool from Manchester City, is in talks with Major League Soccer club Toronto. (Daily Mirror)

QPR and Sheffield United are interested in Plymouth's Hungarian internationals Krisztian Timar and Peter Halmosi. (Daily Mail)

Newspaper gifts

The Editor loves a freebie with his morning newspaper but there isn't much to choose from today. A free book about dinosaurs with today's Independent is as good as it gets ... as I don't know my T-Rex from my Slade maybe it'll help ...

Funny newspaper phrases

Journalists love nothing more than a good "knobbly monster" - a desperate attempt not to use the same word again . . . when there is only one.

Named after Paul Hudson, who was writing about alligators when, having used up "reptiles", he resorted to "the knobbly monsters".

Here are some classic funny newspaper knobbly monsters ...

Simon Cowell: The casually-dressed music industry supremo

Seaside rock: The eight-inch minty sticks

Polar Bears: The ambling shaggy white beasts

Beavers: The dam-building mammals

Scooped! wedding newspapers

Scooped! produce personalised newspapers as gifts for all occasions.

Including in our range of templates is wedding newspaper front pages.

As the only personalised newspaper gift company in the UK that is run by real journalists with real experience of working in national newspapers, we also write and design bespoke front pages for any occasion.

Not only that, but if you are looking for a really unique gift you will love our 4-page specials.

Here is an example of a 4-page wedding special which were included in the centre pieces at a large family wedding at the weekend.

Our bespoke pages are completely unique. Your page will be designed exactly as you want it .. original story, original headlines, original picture captions - no two pages are ever the same.

Call our news desk on 0141 639 9918 for a personal interview with a Scooped! reporter or email us the details. Tell us all about the person, give us any funny stories or tell us what you would like included in your unique front page and our professional journalists will do the rest.

No other company in Britain offers this service so show that someone how special they are by putting them all over the front page of Scooped!

Paper talk

My football gift to you .... all the transfer talk, rumours and gossip from today's newspapers!

Chelsea are confident of signing AC Milan's Brazilian star Kaka for £50m. (Daily Mirror)

AC Milan have agreed a £22m fee to bring Ronaldinho to the San Siro and will pay him £200,000-a-week. (Daily Mirror)

Arsenal want to sign Palermo's Brazilian striker Amauri and will offer him £3.2m-a-year contract. (Daily Mail)

Dimitar Berbatov's agent has said the Spurs striker wants to play Champions League football and several clubs are interested in him. (Daily Express)

Manchester United are ready to spend £90m on wages to keep Cristiano Ronaldo, Rio Ferdinand, Wes Brown and Michael Carrick at the club. (The Sun)

Brown will sign a new deal worth between £50,000 and £60,000-a-week, while Ronaldo will pick up £150,000-a-week. (Various)

Blackburn boss Mark Hughes admits he will be the first in the queue if Man Utd pair Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes become available. (Daily Star)

Portsmouth are prepared to break their transfer record to sign Port striker Lisandro Lopes for £12m. (Daily Mirror)

Everton have been linked with a summer move for Newcastle right back Stephen Carr. (The Independent)

Birmingham are hoping to sign Argentine striker Gaston Sangoy from Cypriot side Apollon Limassol. (Daily Mirror)

Hamilton Academicals' 17-year-old prodigy James McCarthy is a target for Chelsea. (Daily Record)

Owen Coyle has warned Celtic off making an approach for Burnley's £3m-rated striker Kyle Lafferty. (Daily Record)

Kilmarnock are hopeful of signing Mehdi Taouil, Gavin Skelton and Alan Russell for next season. (Daily Record)

Sheffield United boss Kevin Blackwell wants to sign Blackpool's Wes Hoolahan for the Blades. (Various)

Kilmarnock are close to signing Gretna midfielder Gavin Skelton and Airdrie United striker Allan Russell. (Various)

Funny newspaper phrases

Journalists love nothing more than a good "knobbly monster" - a desperate attempt not to use the same word again . . . when there is only one.

Named after Paul Hudson, who was writing about alligators when, having used up "reptiles", he resorted to "the knobbly monsters".

Here are some classic funny newspaper knobbly monsters ...

Squirrels: The bushy-tailed little nut-eaters

Goat: The elderly, cloven-hooved nanny

Pretzel: The brittle or chewy glazed, usually salted, slender bread often shaped like a loose knot

Tomato ketchup: The runny red favourite

Football gifts

Football stars talking rubbish ...

Paul Merson: "Anton Ferdinand lasted literally a minute, because he had to come off after 20 seconds."

Archie McPherson commentating on a WHOEFA Cup clash: "I wonder how long four minutes will last."

Phil Thompson: "It's no use Liverpool having a knee-jerk operation."

Graeme Souness: "The way the crowd gets behind Liverpool doesn't happen anywhere else. It only happens at Liverpool, Rangers and Celtic."

Funny newspaper headlines

Here are some funny newspaper headlines that somehow made it to print ...

Child's death ruins couple's holiday

Never withhold herpes from loved one

Another Windy Day in Store

Fire at the Fhu-King restaurant

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

The Editor's sister is getting married tomorrow so I've had to put my coupon on a day early.

I'm going for a treble of Liverpool (5/6) Middlesbro (10/11) and Inverness (13/10)
Odds on 5-fold of West Ham, Forest, Wycombe, Falkirk and Hamilton.

I've also stuck a tenner for my future brother-in-law who picked Celtic (he's been well trained) Dundee United, Falkirk and QoS.

Funny newspaper stories

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ...

CARLOS TEA-VEZ
Manchester United star Carlos Tevez has stunned team-mates by drinking tea in nightclubs and even dunks Digestive biscuits in his cuppa.

LANDING REAR
Martial arts film star Andy Lau, 46, was fined £170,000 for wrecking a helicopter when his bum hit its controls in Taiwan.

TOYS R SUSS
More than 20million toys were seized as the quantity of dangerous goods on sale doubled last year, a new EU consumer safety report says.

Personalised Father's Day gifts

Scooped! produce brilliant personalised newspapers as gifts for all occasions - including Father's Day.
Scoop your dad this Father's Day! Show him how much you care by putting him on the front page of a spoof newspaper.

Our personalised newspapers allow you to name your dad 'Pop Idol', 'Best Dad In Britain' or 'Father of the Year'.

Our Father's Day newspaper are available in two different styles; The Scoop (red-top tabloid style) and The Daily Scoop (middle market style).

A personalised newspaper front page is the perfect personalised Father's Day gift.

Personalise our Father's Day template page or have a professional journalist write and design your completely unique bespoke front page for that truly special personalised Father's Day gift.

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ...

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

My day went from bad to worse yesterday - stuck on Juve, Marseilles, Barcelona treble. Looked like it was in the bag with Barca scoring in the first minute and twice taking the lead.
Yup, they lost a late goal.
I'm tempted to pack it in but I'm sure my losing streak will come to an end any time soon.

Today I'm on Ipswich, Liverpool and Man U treble.

Wish me luck, I need it.

Funny newspaper stories

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ....

PIE DO
Daz and Lisa Humsley had a wedding cake at their reception in Barnsley - made entirely of pork pies.

WASTE, ER, TIME
Brits spend two and a half days a year on the phone - but waster six hours saying "Um", "er" and "I know", says a poll.

GRANNY GRABBED
Nada Grgic, 75, was arrested after a man of 86 said she vowed to kill him unless he slept with her in Split, Croatia.

Funny newspaper headlines

Here are some funny newspaper headlines that somehow made it to print ...

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Funny newspaper phrases

Journalists love nothing more than a good "knobbly monster" - a desperate attempt not to use the same word again . . . when there is only one.
Named after Paul Hudson, who was writing about alligators when, having used up "reptiles", he resorted to "the knobbly monsters".
Here are some classic funny newspaper knobbly monsters ...

Cod liver oil: The foul-tasting health liquid

Toffee: The chewy comestible

Santa: The red-jacketed festive gift-bringer

Prawns: The tasty sea creatures

Hand-grenade: The pineapple-shaped munition

Paper talk

My football gift to you .... all the transfer talk, rumours and gossip from today's newspapers!

Manchester United are set to hand Cristiano Ronaldo a massive £40m deal to keep him at the club, making him the highest paid player in England on £150,000 a week. (Various)

Barcelona are set to bid for Arsenal's Belarus midfielder Alexander Hleb. (Daily Mirror)

Aston Villa are to offer England midfielder Gareth Barry an improved new contract to ward off interest from Chelsea. (Daily Mail)

And boss Martin O'Neill also wants to sign up Villa young guns Gabby Agbonlahor and Ashley Young to long term deals. (The Sun)

Barcelona striker Thierry Henry admits he would love to return to Arsenal in some capacity in the future. (The Sun)

Croatia's Dynamo Zagreb midfielder Luka Modric, 22, is hoping for a summer move to Liverpool. (Times)

Manchester City's quest to sign Ronaldinho this summer has been boosted after the Brazilian admitted he wants to play in the Premier League. (The Sun)

Roy Hodgson admits there is no guarantee he will still be manager of Fulham next season. (The Times)

Newcastle boss Kevin Keegan has told Charles N'Zogbia he has a future at the club, provided he proves his commitment. (Daily Mail)

Harry Redknapp says he is glad he turned down Newcastle to remain as Portsmouth manager. (Various)

Striker Robbie Keane has declared he is ready to commit his long-term future to Tottenham. (Daily Express)

Rangers boss Walter Smith wants to sign on-loan Fulham midfielder Steven Davis on a permanent basis. (Guardian)

Newcastle boss Kevin Keegan is unwilling to let Michael Owen leave for Manchester City (Guardian)

Birmingham boss Alex McLeish believes his £5million Scotland international James McFadden has the potential to prove a bargain signing. (Various)

Inverness have played down fears that Romanian international Marius Niculae will depart the club in the summer after club chairman Alan Savage - who bankrolled much of his wages - resigned from the club. (Various)

Motherwell legend Tommy McLean has tipped Mark McGhee to bring European football to Fir Park. (Daily Mail)

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

Honey .... I'm home.
Yes, I'm back after my trip to the Emerald Isle feeling refreshed and craving the Guinness and white pudding (at least the heartburn has gone away)
I had a rubbish week on the betting front - no suprises there - with Watford letting me down. My 10-year-old son showed me how it was done by getting Man U, Barca and Pompey treble up.
He can drink me under the table too .....

Anyway, back to business and having just picked up my winnings from last Saturday I've got a wee spring in my step.
As usual I'll be on lunchtime, 3pm and evening kick offs today.

First up I fancy Aberdeen (8/13) and Carlisle (5/2) double. The Dons should be OK (but even then I can see a surprise) and 8/13 is a good price for a team with only the cup to play for now that they have won the final top 6 slot.
Leeds at home to Carlisle is another tricky one. Leeds probably need it more so I'm tempted but Carlisle have been a good team for me this season and are some price at 5/2. Or it could be a draw. Basically I don't have a clue but I'm being greedy and going double on Dons and Carlisle.

In the afternoon I'm going Reading, Villa, Palace, Hull and Airdrie for 50 notes.
And Swansea, Spurs, Pars, Hamilton and Montrose for 90 quid.

Evening games not any easier, I fancy West Brom (5/6) to beat Watford but every time I back Watford to win they lose and every time I tip them to lose they win. Pompey v Newcastle another toughie but with Defoe back I'll go home win (Evs) here too despite Newcastle's 4-1 pumping of Spurs last week.
Fiver double pays £20.

Break-ing news

The Editor is taking a well-earned break (get the headline now? - told you I hadn't lost it) and heading to the Emerald Isle with the wife and weans.

So instead of blogging the usual nonsense I'll be getting as much Guinness down my neck as I possibly can.

Hangover and heebie jeebies permitting, I'll be returning next Friday. Here's hoping I get some sort of return on my bets below to help pay for the pints at the Blue Anchor in Ballurgan ...

Funny newspaper stories ..

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ....

CROCS 'N ROBBERS
Farm thieves who stole 18 baby saltwater crocodiles are being hunted by police in Darwin, Australia.

TEDDY BARE
Edwardian porn photos taken 100 years ago and featuring a lesbian romp are up for auction in Cirencester, Gloucs.

THE CAKE ESCAPE
An armed robber gave up and ran off when a shop assistant offered him cake and tea in Czech town Cesky Tesin.

Paper talk

My football gift to you .... all the transfer talk, rumours and gossip from today's newspapers!

England striker Peter Crouch could be on his way out of Liverpool in the summer after becoming an after-thought in boss Rafa Benitez's strategy. (Daily Mail)

Newcastle boss Kevin Keegan was at Ibrox on Thursday to watch Sporting Lisbon goalkeeper Rui Patricio and midfielder Miguel Veloso play Rangers. (Daily Mail).

Manchester City are the latest Premier League club showing an interest in taking Brazilian star Ronaldinho from Barcelona. (Daily Mail).

Chelsea manager Avram Grant is interested in Ajax's £25million-rated striker Klaas-Jan Huntelaar. (Daily Mirror)

England defender Rio Ferdinand is set to sign a new five-year contract with Manchester United, keeping him at the club until he is 34. (Sun)

Italian giants Roma are the latest club to show interest in misfit Chelsea striker Andriy Shevchenko. (Daily Mail).

Wolves boss Mick McCarthy is eyeing up a move for £3m-rated Hearts defender Christophe Berra, 23, after watching him against Rangers. (Daily Mirror)

Chelsea assistant manager Steve Clarke is ready to leave Stamford Bridge at the end of the season to pursue a managerial career. (Various)

Chelsea boss Avram Grant has implied that Frank Lampard is demanding more money than Chelsea are prepared to pay him as talks reach a head over a new contract. (Independent)

American goalkeeper Kasey Keller is willing to stay with Fulham even if they are relegated this season. (Daily Star)

scoop6 and other dodgy bets

A tough, tough week for punter - I fancied Arsenal and Chelsea Champions League draws at not a boot in the bum off 10/1 but fortunately didn't put it on. Eight euro games, only one home winner and they (Fenerbache) were a 3/1 shot. What chance have we got?

Grand National day today and I'm going e/w on Knowhere 66/1 and Idle Talk 80/1. I've also gone e/w on king johns castle to keep my wee pal happy and got Vodka Bleu and Fundamentalist in a 50p sweepstake.

Back to real sport and in lunchtime games, I'm going Pompey (4/5) Arsenal (Evs) and Scunthorpe/Wednesday draw (23/10) - going doubles and a treble.

Afternoon I'm goin chelsea, swansea, carlisle, leeds and northampton - 4-folds and a 5-fold

I'm also going for Hearts (13/10) Villa (4/6) Brighton (8/15) Hereford (1/2) Dundee (8/5) - 4 from 5 again.

Good luck everyone

Funny newspapers

So, what was the best April Fool’s joke from yesterday's Scottish newspapers and Tv/radio stations? You decide ....

102.5 Clyde/Scottish Sun - Glasgow International Airport being renamed as the ‘John Smeaton International Airport’.

Daily Record - New super-fruit, poranges, being grown at Braehead shopping centre in Glasgow.

Kingdom FM - The Scottish Government has decided to reinstate the tolls on the Forth and Tay road bridges.

Metro - The pushmipullyu is facing extinction, with only six of the two-headed llamas remaining. Also, there’s a new BMW which gives dogs an electric shock if they pee on the wheels.

Real Radio - Space shuttle lands at Cumbernauld Airport in Lanarkshire, due to technical difficulties.

stv - broadcast the 's' in its logo back-to-front.

As featured on allmediascotland.com

Scooped! featured on Derby County FC website

Scooped! has an exclusive license to produce personalised ScoopSport pages for Derby County Football Club.

With our unique spoof newspaper back pages, customers can ''sign' for Derby, be named their 'No1 fan' or even 'buy' the club.

A personalised newspaper is the perfect personalised gift for any occasion.

Read the full article here

Funny newspaper stories

Away from the April Fool spoofs, here are some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ....

ARRESTING SIGHT
Clumsy cops in Romania are being given ballet lessons - to improve their co-ordination while directing traffic.

OLD EGG TIMER
Britain's oldest woman Florrie Baldwin had her usual fried egg sarnie for breakfast in Leeds yesterday - her 112th birthday.

UNFRIENDLY FIRE
Neighbour of the Year winner Anne Glover, of Leicester, had her car torched just hours after speaking out against local arsonists.

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

My rotten run continues - boy, could I do with a win. The Champions League returns tonight but the games look too close to call.
Barca are on a poor run but surely they'll up their game for the Champions League and even without Deco, E'to, Messi and Ronaldinho (all injury doubts) they should be good enough for a draw at least.
Man U are on fire but Roma have surely have learned something from their 4 previous games in the last year.
The enhanced 5/1 odds for a Man U/Barca double are appealing but think I'll stay away from these games.
It's no easier domestically with the best odds for any of the 12 games 4/5 - try getting a coupon up from that!
Doncaster, Queens Park, West Brom and Dundee looks the best bets.

Personalised engagement gifts

Scooped! produce brilliant personalised newspaper front pages and personalised magazines as gifts for all occasions - including engagement gifts

Show the happy couple how special their big announcement is - by making it front page news.

A personalised engagement newspaper is the perfect personalised engagement gift.

Scooped! produce spoof newspapers in two newspaper styles - The Scoop (red-top tabloid style) and The Daily Scoop (middle-market style)

Here are two examples of our engagement newspaper gifts.

All our personalised newspaper front pages are written and designed by real journalists. Stick with the experts, stick with Scooped!

Scoop of the day ..

goes to the oo-ahh Daily Star who report that England football manager Fabio Capello could face four years in jail after being accused of lying to an Italian court.

They also win worst headline of the day ...

Funny newspapers

In case you hadn't noticed it is April Fool's Day today and it is a newspaper tradition to throw a spoof story into their news section to mark the occasion.

The one that caught my eye today was The Scottish Sun's report that Glasgow Airport was to be re-named John Smeaton International after 'terror hero' Smeato.

I'm sick of the site of Smeato and the sooner he gets back to losing holidaymakers' bags the better but this story is brilliant, especially the line .. 'It's believed (BAA chiefs) took inspiration from New York's JFK Airport - named after the legendary US President - and John Lennon Airport in Liverpoo which honours the former Beatle.'

Funny newspaper stories

This story, featured in the current edition of the Cumbernauld News, is my favourite of the year so far.

If you have recently lost a brown/black longhair cat with a red collar, Cumbernauld woman, Elizabeth Nikplavovic, contacted the News to say she had found one and wanted to put the owner’s mind at rest.
Unfortunately, the cat had been hit by a car before Elizabeth found it lying beside the Seafar ring road and it had to be put down. Elizabeth is happy to speak to the cat’s owner.

One of the best bits of advice I was given as a young journalist was to tell the story in the intro, as if you were talking to your pal down the pub.

Thankfully, the reporter/sub-editor of this story must have missed that class.

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ...