Monday, 27 October 2008

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ..

Saturday, 25 October 2008

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

I got a UEFA Cup treble up (Villa, Zagreb and Milan) midweek so got a few bob to play with today

Stuck a cheeky £2 single on Hamilton at 9/1.
Lunchtime treble on ManU, Sunderland and Rangers at 4/1
Main line is Leicester, Sheff Utd, Brum, MK Dons and Norwich. Any 4 from 5.
Scottish line is Dundee Utd, Brechin, Livi and East Fife

Wish me luck ...

Saturday, 18 October 2008

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

It's Saturday so as usual I'll be giving Mr Bookie some of my hard earned money with little prospect of a return.

In the early and evening kick offs I've got fiver on Celtic, Chelsea, Palace and Man U 4/1 for £25.
Two lines in the afternoon - fiver on Blackburn, Reading, MK Dons and Rotherham. Any 3 from 4, all up for £73.
Fiver on Brighton, Southend, Stenhousemuir and Scunthorpe. Any 3 from 4, all up for £35.

I could really really really do with a morale-boosting win today so wish me luck.

Thursday, 16 October 2008

Funny newspaper stories

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ....

Angry driver Susan Catcheside, 74, paid a £35 parking fine in PENNIES after getting a ticket during a hospital visit in Gloucester.

A college ban on sugar in tea was lifted after sixth-formers protested in Tonypandy, South Wales.

Wales footie fan Gwilym Rees, 49, of Cardiff, missed the coach to last night's World Cup game in Germany — so mum-in-law Irene Tidball drove him all the way.

Saturday, 11 October 2008

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

A big day of international football - but little value for the punters.
I'm going for a Scotland/Slovenia double at 7/2.
I'm also on Gary Caldwell first and last scorer at 33/1 (though Darren Fletcher catches the eye at 14/1) and doing both teams to be winning at half-time but to lose at full-time. 28/1 and 25/1 respectively.
Domestic 4-fold on Leeds, Scunthorpe, Wycomne and Shewsbury at 6/1

Friday, 10 October 2008

Funny newspaper story

Subs and writers on the Sunday Express were sent this strongly-worded email from a senior staff member pointing out mistakes in an edition of the paper ...

"Last week's Sunday Express was riddled with appalling, slapdash and lazy writing and subbing. The style sheets handed out were studiously ignored, as can be seen by the list attached to this e-mail.

There were also two errors so horrendous they moved one reader to email Martin Townsend to point them out.

The kind of bilge submitted last week will not be tolerated any more. The rest of this email is a list of the drivel that made it into the paper but doesn't include the numerous dashes scattered liberally through copy, counties being abbreviated (Hants and Wilts were two that appeared), the headlines that were centred instead of set left, the ignorance about how the word 'but' should be used, the literal in one of the phoneline questions and the inability to grasp the simple idea that companies, organisations and political parties are referred to in the singular. My apologies to anyone who wasn't in last week but look on it as a reminder of how not to do it.

So here we go:

P2 – The lead begins with a name but the surname is not capped up. The stupid phrase 'ahead of' appears three times in the copy. We are then told 'fewer than one in five voters were happy with Brown's premiership'. That means none. The GCSEs story said 'almost six in 10 pupils'. So is that five or four? Voters and pupils don't come in fractions.

P3 – Why wasn't there a drop cap start to the story? Those weekly paper staples 'local residents' and a 'local fan' put in an appearance.

P4 – The splash turn says Maddie was kidnapped. Really? I thought nobody knew what happened to her.

P5 – Someone is described as an 'ex-pat'. At the very least that's amateurish. Look, let's make it really simple; if you don't know what a word means or how it's spelt, don't f***ing use it.

P6 – The caption says 'rail-soaked' instead of rain-soaked.

P9 – The conflict in Georgia provides us with some classic bollocks. What is a 'battle tank'? Does this mean wars now have referees who decide whether or not a tank is allowed to go into battle?
Are all other tanks to be described as big metal cars for soldiers with a decorative gun on top? Also, what is a 'ground invasion'? Is that the one that comes after a sky invasion?

P11 – Copy refers to 'heroine addict Boyd'. Disgraceful. This is one of the errors pointed out to the editor. There's also a reference to the LAPD. Not acceptable; do not assume everyone knows what it means.

P12 – The feature about Princess Margaret's party paradise of Mustique says the island 'floats in a blue-green ocean'. No island, not even a super-duper one like Mustique, floats.
There are then two examples of that patronising phrase 'of course': 'Colin Tennant knew, of course, that…' and 'The world's press, of course….' Read the bloody stylebook and what it says about 'of course'. Finally, did we really need to tell readers twice that Margaret was the Queen's sister?

P14 – The Focus starts with a name but again the surname is not capped up while the word taking the second drop cap is all lower case. Ahead of appears again and what the hell is an 'empty dwelling management order' when it's around?P16-17 – The lead intro talks about the murder of a 'newlywed English couple in Antigua'. Since when has South Wales been in England? To make matters worse, the third par says the husband was flown home to Wales! For f***'s sake!

P18 – The Fergie and Andy story says they're in the Scottish Highlands, probably to make clear they're not in the English, Welsh or Lithuanian bloody Highlands.

P21 – The comment standfirst has the nonexistent word 'parenting' and 'spokesperson' in it. It names the piece's author as a bloke and then calls HIM a spokesperson. Utter sh*te.

P22 – In the Ulrika Jonsson quote, what is a 'marrow fat pea'?

P23 – Virginia's lead talks about women working 'long hours in the office' and later tells us women are 'unhappy both in the office and in the home'. So, tough sh*t to the thousands of women who read our paper and don't work in an office.

P25 – Neil Hamilton says: 'In 1908, the last London Olympics' organising committee…' And there was me thinking the last one was the 1948 committee.

P30 – At the end of the Dando story there's a reference to a 'master assassin' being captured. Earlier we'd been told how he failed to kill someone with FIVE bullets. Not so masterful then.

P37 – The game poachers story talks about 'organised' gangs cashing in on the culinary revolution sparked by celebrity chefs. Does that mean all the disorganised gangs are kicking themselves about their lack of a formal hierarchy then?

P38 – 'Instalment' is spelt wrong.

P40-41 – 'Leading British male Tim Don.' NO, in the Sunday Express they're men or women.

P45 – Wellbeing is NOT hyphenated. What does 'confronted one of the them' mean? There is then a reference to Pope's Tower, where 'Alexander Pope lived and worked for two years'. Oh come on, you must know; that 17th-century poet who everyone is talking about in the pub.

P46 – The standfirst says: 'When a teenage concert hall worker snapped pictures of visiting bands, he had no idea that, 40 years on, his dusty collection would provide a valuable insight into Britain's musical golden age…' No sh*t, Sherlock. That will be because, like the rest of us, he couldn't tell the sodding future.
The copy mentions 'Britain's then vibrant live music scene'. Was that just after Britain's vibrant dead music scene then? Once again an idiotic use of the word live. There is mention of a picture showing the Beatles and Billy J Kramer having a laugh with Susan Maughan yet the picture on the page purports to show the Beatles and Billy J Kramer having a laugh with Elkie Brookes.

P48 – The foreign lead has reopened and re-opened in the space of six pars. It's NOT hyphenated. The copy says Rockefeller's Chichester alias is connected to a double murder in Los Angeles, then says it's his Cross alias and then goes back to his Chichester alias.

P49 – The Putin caption has the last word missing.

P54 – There is a reference to a 'stay-at-home mum'. No, it's mother. The copy constantly switches between calling the author by her first name and surname. The main caption names five people but there are six people in the picture.

P58 – In the Eric Idle spread 'of course' rears its useless head yet again. What is this paragraph on about then: "There's even a Bob Dylan-like character complete with guitar, harmonica and dark glasses who Idle plays himself. He comes in to help Brian talk about individuals," Idle explains. Eh?P60 – Rehash is not hyphenated but it is in this copy. Later on we have '…which may tie-in nicely with…' That doesn't need a hyphen.

P61 – Opera copy says 'around 30…' No, it's ABOUT 30.

P69 – Copy refers to Liam Finn's dad and Natt Weller's dad but SX style is father. Abigail Hopkins is then quoted thus: "I didn't have tonnes and tonnes of money." Do we know for a fact this woman talks in metric measurements then? F***ing ridiculous.
P83 – The blurb for P86 refers to 'an historical tour'. No, that would be a historical tour.

P84 – Neil Hamilton writes: 'See Venice and die, the saying goes.' Er, no it f***ing doesn't, as our angry reader was quick to tell the editor.

Stop writing this drivel and subs, stop letting it through."

Friday, 3 October 2008

Best press conference ever?

The following is an edited transcript of Newcastle interim manager Joe Kinnear's first official press conference yesterday.

It is truly incredible ..

JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]?

SB Me.

JK You're a cunt.

SB Thank you.

JK Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you're saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] fucked off.

SB No Joe, have you read it, it doesn't actually say that. Have you read it?

JK I've fucking read it, I've read it.

SB It doesn't say that. Have you read it?

JK You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.

SB Have you read it, it doesn't say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.

JK Fuck off. Fuck off. It's your last fucking chance.

SB You read the copy? It doesn't say that you didn't know.

JK What about the headline, you think that's a good headline?

SB I didn't write the headline, you read the copy.

JK You are negative bastards, the pair of you.

SB So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn't. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?

JK It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain't got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?

SB No, you can listen to who you want.

JK I had a 24-hour meeting with the entire staff.

SB Joe, you are only here six weeks, you could have done that on Sunday, or Saturday night.

JK No, no, no. I didn't want to do it. I had some other things to do.

SB What? More important things?

JK What are you? My personal secretary? Fuck off.

SB You could have done the meeting Saturday night or Sunday. You could have had them watching videos, you could have organised them.

JK I was meeting the fucking chairman the owner, everyone else. Talking about things.

SB It is a valid point that was made in there. A valid point.

JK I can't trust any of you.

Niall Hickman Joe, no one could believe that on your first day at your new club, the first-team players were not in. No one could believe it in town. Your first day in the office.

JK My first day was with the coaches. I made the decision that I wanted to get as much information out of them.

NH But why Monday, no one could believe it?

JK I'm not going to tell you anything. I don't understand where you are coming from. You are delighted that Newcastle are getting beat and are in the state they are? Delighted, are you?

NH Certainly not. No one wants to see them get beaten, why would we?

JK I have done it before. It is going to my fucking lawyers. So are about three others. If they can find something in it that is a court case it is going to court. I am not fucking about. I don't talk to fucking anybody. It is raking up stories. You are fucking so fucking slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of. Players that I had fallen out with. You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton? No. Because he is fucking sensible. Anyone who had played for me for 10 years at any level ... [but] you will find some cunt that ...

Other journalist How long is your contract for Joe?

JK None of your business.

SB Well it is actually, because we cover the club. The club say you are here to the end of October, then you say six to eight games which would take it to the end of November. We are trying to clarify these issues. We are getting no straight answers from anyone. How long are you here for. It is a dead simple question. And you don't know ...

JK I was told the length of contract. Then I was told that possibly the club could be sold in that time. That is as far as I know. That's it finished. I don't know anything else. But I have been ridiculed. He's trying to fucking hide, he's trying to do this or that.

There follows an exchange regarding the circumstances under which Kinnear had met the owner Mike Ashley and executive director (football) Dennis Wise.

Steve Brenner (football writer for the Sun) We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about football, but coming in here and calling people cunts?

JK Why? Because I am annoyed. I am not accepting that. If it is libellous, it is going to where I want it to go.

Newcastle press officer What has been said in here is off the record and doesn't go outside.

Journalist Well, is that what Joe thinks?

JK Write what you like. Makes no difference to me. Don't affect me I assure you. It'll be the last time I see you anyway. Won't affect me. See how we go at Everton and Chrissy [Chris Hughton, assistant manager] can do it, someone else can do it. Don't trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain't coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I'm ridiculed for no reason. I'm defenceless. I can't get a point in, I can't say nothing, I can't do nothing, but I ain't going to be negative. Then, half of you, most of you are trying to get into the players. I'm not going to tell you what the players think of you, so then you try and get into them in some way or another, so I've got a split camp or something like that, something like that. It's ongoing. It just doesn't stop.

Journalist It's only been a week.

JK Exactly. It feels more like a year.

Journalist It's early days for you to be like this.

JK No, I'm clearing the air. And this is the last time I'm going to speak to you. You want to know why, I'm telling you. This is the last time. You can do what you like.

Journalist But this isn't going to do you or us any good.

JK I'll speak to the supporters. I'm going to tell them what the story is. I'm going to tell them. I don't think they'll interpret it any different, I don't think they'll mix it up, I don't think they'll miss out things. I mean, one of them last week said to me ... I was talking about in that press conference where you were there, I said something like "Well, that's a load of bollocks ..."

Journalist "Bollocks to that" is what you said.

JK Bollocks to that. And what goes after that?

Journalist That was it.

JK No it wasn't, no it wasn't. What was after it? I don't know if it was your paper, but what went after it?

Journalist I don't know.

JK It even had the cheek to say "bollocks to Newcastle".

Journalist I didn't write that.

JK That was my first fucking day. What does that tell you? What does that tell you?

Journalist Where was that? Which paper said that?

JK I've got it. I can't remember. It was one of the Sundays, not a Saturday. It was a Sunday.

Journalist But you didn't say that to the Sundays, you said that to us. That was during the Monday press conference.

JK I'll bring it in and show it to you. Why would I want to say that?

Journalist Are you saying that someone has reported you saying "bollocks to Newcastle?"

JK Yes. Lovely.

Journalist I don't know who's reported that.

JK I'll tell you what, I'll bring it in.

Journalist That's obviously going to damage you. That's not a good thing. But I don't think someone's done that. We have to have some sort of relationship with you.

JK So have I. But I haven't come in here for you lot to take the piss out of me. And if I'm not flavour of the month for you, it don't fucking bother me. I've got a job to do. And I'm going to do it to the best of my ability. I'm not going to spend any more time listening to any crap or reading any crap. Stick to the truth and the facts. And don't twist anything.

Journalist You know, you know the game ...

JK Of course I know, but I don't have to like it.

Journalist Today we'll print the absolute truth, that you think we're cunts, we can all fuck off and we're slimy. Is that fair enough?

JK Do it. Fine. Fucking print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it'll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well. Good. Do it.

Much, much later after long discussions over whether Kinnear had promised Alan Shearer and Kevin Keegan would be returning to the club

Press officer Let's get on to football. Let's have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has got their tapes on, it's wiped off and we're not discussing it.

Journalist But that's what Joe has said he thinks of us.

Press officer I'm saying don't push it. Let's accept what's been said and try and move on.

Journalist: Move on to not doing any more press conferences?

PO: No, to doing something now.

Journalist: What, one press conference only?


Journalist: Any knocks?

PO: Come on, let's go football.

Journalist: What are your plans for training in the next three days? How's the training going?

JK It's going very well. No problems at all.

Journalist Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things?

JK Absolutely. I've loved every moment of it.

Courtesy of mediaguardian

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Funny newspaper stories

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ....

British women's boobs have jumped a cup size in just five year — from an average 34C to 36D, a Debenhams study has revealed.

People fed up always losing arguments can take a free course on how to triumph in verbal battles this Saturday at the University of Kent in Canterbury.

Cops are hunting two different robbers who raided the same bank within three hours at La Mesa, California.

Prostitutes who don't get in trouble with police are rewarded with clothes or make-up vouchers in Eindhoven, Netherlands.

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ..

Paper talk

My football gift to you - the best of the football rumours from today's newspapers ..

Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill will allow Marlon Harewood to leave the club as part of a £10m deal to land Reading striker Kevin Doyle. (Daily Mirror)

Michael Owen, out of contract next summer, has put talks over a new deal on hold with crisis-hit Newcastle until the end of the season. (Daily Mirror)

Manchester United are trailing £5m-rated Turkish striker Sercan Yildirim, 18, of Bursaspor. (Various)

Sunderland boss Roy Keane is keeping tabs on Tottenham midfielder Jermaine Jenas. (Daily Mirror)

Diego Tristan hopes to be offered a short-term deal with West Ham when his trial ends on Saturday. (The Times)

Brian Howard has warned Barnsley he will go on strike unless he is allowed to join Sheffield United. (Daily Mail)

Newcastle may offer full-back Stephen Carr a short-term deal to solve their defensive problems. (Various)

Plymouth want to complete the loan signing of Crystal Palace midfielder Carl Fletcher, 28, before the end of the week. (Daily Star)

Australian outfit Melbourne Heat are hoping to make injured Newcastle striker Mark Viduka, 32, their marquee signing at the end of the season. (The Times)

Birmingham boss Alex McLeish has been promised £2m to sign Crystal Palace midfielder Ben Watson in the January transfer window. (Various)

Nottingham Forest are poised to offer deals to Arsenal academy graduates James Dunne, 19, Paul Rodgers, 19 and Abu Ogogo, 18. (Daily Star)

Paper talk

My football gift to you - the best of the football rumours from today's newspapers ..

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

Inter cost me a few quid on Sunday but collapsing 'away' to Milan. And they were at it again last night, surrendering a 1-0 lead to draw 1-1 with Bremen and in the process nackering my Champions League treble.

All means I could do with a morale-boosting win today.

So I'm doing two lines in the Uefa Cup, early kick offs and evening kick offs.

First up, I'm on Spartak Moscow, Hamburg, Santander and Rosenborg for £40.
Then it's St Etienne, Motherwell, FC Twente and Milan - any 3 from 4, all up for 55 notes.

Wish me luck (I need it)