Funny newspaper headlines

Newspaper editors stating the obvious ...

*If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
*War dims hope for peace
*Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
*Cold wave linked to temperatures

Funny newspaper stories

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ....

SOFA SO GOOD
Postie Elizabeth Bendall, 34, is renting out the sofa in her Inverness to a student at the city's college for £40 a week.

TELE-COMMIE
People in communist Cuba can now buy mobile phones after a ban was lifted yesterday.

OOH CAR-LA
Thousand of FHM readers are voting for France's first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, 40, as world's sexiest woman after this week's UK visit.

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

OK, it's the big one today - Celtic v Rangers at Ibrox and I fancy the champions to take a huge step towards 3-in-a-row.
I'm going for them to win at 2/1 with £2 on Rangers ht Celtic ft at 25/1.

For the 3pm kick offs I'm backing Arsenal, Burnley, West Brom, Carlisle and Stockport.

Personalised newspapers

It seems not everyone is a fan of spoof newspapers - the editor of the South China Morning Post has fired two senior editors for producing an in-house spoof of the newspaper's front page as a gift for a departing colleague.

Asia Sentinel reports:
South China Morning Post Editor Mark Clifford fired staff members for producing an in-house spoof. “It’s not something that you would show to your mother,” he complained. Now newspaper staffers have taken their case against Clifford to the owners.
In an unprecedented action, an estimated 80-plus newsroom staffers – male, female, Chinese and western alike – have signed what amounts to a no-confidence vote in Mark Clifford, the editor-in-chief of Hong Kong’s largest English language newspaper, after he fired two senior editors for their small roles in a mock front page farewell gift for another editor whom Clifford had fired.
The incident, which began as a traditional office ritual for a departing employee, has uncovered a sharp divide in the newsroom of one of Asia’s oldest newspapers, essentially pitting a new chief editor against many of the paper’s long-time employees.
“Leaving pages” as British-oriented journalists call them, are a tradition in western journalism across the globe, typically a gentle satiric poke full of inside jokes delivered at the exiting employee’s expense during a farewell office party.
If Clifford loses his job at the SCMP, perhaps SARFT will offer him a job heading up an anti-online-spoof task force. There's always room for another hack with no sense of humor in China's media regulatory bodies.

Football gift

Sports stars talking rubbish ...

Graeme Souness: Le Tissier was a super striker of the ball but he never played for a big club. If he had we'd be talking about him as a super striker of the ball.

Talking of the devil ...

Matt Le Tissier: Arsenal have been written off so often you can't write them off.

Paul Walsh: "One thing Robbie Keane will give you - workrate, guile, skill and effort."

Jeff Stelling: "Spurs Portsmouth. Anyone gone close, Chris?" Chris Kamara: "No. But there have been a few near misses."

Funny newspaper stories

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ....

NO HARD FEELINGS
Husband Stanislaw Czerniakowska, 64, has forgiven his wife Jadwiga for drugging him with a home-made impotency potion to stop him having an affair with a 29-year-old woman in Lodz, Poland. She was jailed for two months.

HOOK HER, MUM
A gran of 87 used her crutch to beat up a hooker who failed to satisfy her 54-year-old son in Cologne, Germany.

PHANTOM MENACE
Star Wars fan Barney Jones, 36, was attacked during a TV interview in Holyhead, Wales - by a drunk dressed as Darth Vader.

Personalised driving test gifts

Scooped! produce brilliant personalised newspaper front pages and personalised magazines as gifts for all occasions - including 'pass your driving test' gifts

Instead of the usual boring greeting card give the new driver something different to celebrate binning the L-plates - a personalised 'Passed your driving test' front page is the perfect personalised gift.

Here is an example of one of our brilliant driving test pages.

Scooped! produce spoof newspapers in two newspaper styles - The Scoop (red-top tabloid style) and The Daily Scoop (middle-market style)

All our personalised newspaper front pages are written and designed by real journalists. Stick with the experts, stick with Scooped!

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ...

Paper talk

My football gift to you .... all the transfer talk, rumours and gossip from today's newspapers!

Tottenham manager Juande Ramos is interested in signing Barcelona's Brazilian striker Ronaldinho, who could cost as little as £12m. (Various)

Chelsea will bid £12m for Croatia playmaker Luka Modric. (Daily Star)

Newcastle are interested in Atletico Madrid's former Arsenal winger Jose Antonio Reyes. (Various)

Liverpool midfielder Xabi Alonso insists he will not be leaving the club this summer, despite being linked with Spanish giants Real Madrid. (The Times)

Blackburn manager Mark Hughes has moved to warn off clubs who may want to enquire about David Bentley, saying the midfielder is not for sale. (Various)

Real Madrid are preparing a £3.6m summer move for Hibernian's 21-year-old striker Steven Fletcher. (Scottish Sun)

Defender John Pantsil will quit West Ham this summer. (The Sun)

Fulham will release David Healy in the summer, with Ipswich the striker's likely destination. (The Times)

Manchester United defender Jonny Evans has indicated he would consider making his loan move to Sunderland a permanent transfer. (Various)

Manchester City expect to lose one of their goalkeepers this summer, with Andreas Isaksson or Kasper Schmeichel set to leave. (The Times)

Middlesbrough's England Under-21 winger Adam Johnson has hinted he may leave the club in order to play regular first-team football. (Daily Express)

Newspaper gifts

The Editor loves a freebie with his morning paper and The Sun's the one today with a free kit-kat sense. Think it's time The Editor had a break ....
PS: While trying to find a pic of kit-kat sense I stumbled across this ... has anyone ever tried a Kit-Kat Pineapple?

Newspaper headline ..

of the day goes to The Sun, who celebrate President Sarkozy's injection of 'a spot of ooh la la into his state visit' during a boat ride down London's River Thames.

Scoop of the day

Today's Scoop of the day goes to The Mirror. They lead the way with the news that pregnant Kerry Katona has been taken to hospital after developing pre-eclampsia.
I hope this doesn't appear nasty - and I hope that the baby is OK - but if Kerry is in hospital does that mean the nation is spared the worst programme EVER aired on British TV? Car crash telly doesn't come close to describing how bad it is .. this is 20-car pile up stuff.
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkk!

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ...

The Story of the Scotland national team

The SFA has kindly invited The Editor along to the friendly match against Croatia - posh seats and all. Rumour has it they even give you a pie at half-time and open the bar afterwards.
It must have been all the publicity I've been giving the new kids' book, The Story of Scotland, in the last few days.
I've tried to show the front cover again but it keeps coming out red so here is the new manager George Burley with No2 Terry Butcher, as featured in yesterday's Evening Times.

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

International friendlies are an absolute lottery and only a mug would waste money betting on them .... so I'm going for Slovakia (4/9) Poland (4/5) Holland (4/5) Germany (11/10) and Wales (1/3)
£1 four-folds and a five-fold - all up for £54.

Newspaper gifts

The Editor loves a freebie with his paper in the morning but I reckon The Sun are trying to pull a fast one today. They are offering readers a free ALL-DAY breakfast Subway - to be claimed by 11am.
Still, not one to look a gift horse in the mouth ...

Scoop of the day

My favourite newspaper story from today is the Sun's report that bookies are taking bets on whether Terry Butcher will belt out Flower of Scotland at Hampden tomorrow.
bet365 have the England legend at 1/2 not to sing the national anthem in his first match as George Burley's No2 and 6/4 that he will give it a go.
Butcher, launching The Story of the Scotland national team children's book at Cameron House in Loch Lomond said: "I only know the first verse. Ill do it if it feels right."
The Story of Scotland is available from April 7 in bookshops, The Scottish Football museum and online and amazon.co.uk.
For more details go to www.benchmarkbooks.co.uk

Southside News

Scooped! is featured in this week's edition of the Southside News - the free local newspaper which serves the south side of Glasgow.
The article explains what it is that makes Scooped! the No1 company for spoof newspapers and personalised magazine gifts.
Read the full story here by downloading the Southside News.
Scooped! is the lead on page 3.

Newspaper gifts

The Editor loves a freebie with his paper and The Sunday Mail came up trumps with their fabulous competition to win one of 20 copies of a new children's sports book - The Story of the Scotland national team.
Even First Minister Alex Salmond is a fan of the book and he reckons it will help inspire the next generation of Tartan Army footsoldiers.
He said: "I hope young Scotland fans enjoy reading the book as much as I did."
To win a copy just answer this question: How many times have Scotland been at the World Cup finals?
Send your answers by post to Scotland Book Competition, Sunday Mail Sports Desk, One Central Quay, Glasgow G3 8DA.
The Story of Scotland is available from April 7 in bookshops, The Scottish Football museum and online and amazon.co.uk.
For more details go to www.benchmarkbooks.co.uk

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ...

Paper talk

My football gift to you .... all the transfer talk, rumours and gossip from today's newspapers!

Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate is preparing a £4m bid for Fulham midfielder Jimmy Bullard. (The Times)

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is interested in signing Lyon's £17m-rated winger Hatem Ben Arfa. (Various)

The Gunners boss is also keen on Barnsley goalkeeper Heinz Muller, who would cost about £2m. (The Sun)

Chelsea striker Didier Drogba remains determined to leave the Stamford Bridge club and has told friends he will do so in the summer. (The Times)

Celtic midfielder Scott Brown says he did not deserve any of his 13 yellow cards this season. (Various)

Wigan manager Steve Bruce is interested in signing Derby midfielder David Jones and is ready to bid £1m. (Telegraph)

Tottenham manager Juande Ramos has his eye on £8m-rated Udinese defender Andrea Dossena. (Daily Mirror)

Everton boss David Moyes has bid £6m for Standard Liege midfielder Marouane Fellaini, but the Belgian club are holding out for £10m. (The Sun)

Aston Villa are keen on £5m-rated Hull keeper Boaz Myhill, who has just been called up by Wales. (Daily Express)

Manchester City striker Emile Mpenza is wanted by Leicester. (Daily Mirror)

Meanwhile, Hull have been told to forget about trying to sign on-loan Manchester United striker Fraizer Campbell permanently. (Daily Express)

Celtic are poised to make a £3m offer to Manchester City for on-loan Greek striker Georgios Samaras. (Daily Star)

Dundee United manager Craig Levein says he is unable to afford Cardiff's £200,000 asking price for on-loan Willo Flood. (Various)

Barnsley are to sign defender Aurelien Collin from Scottish Premier League crisis club Gretna. (Daily Mirror)

Gretna's Aurelien Collin and Michael Buscher will learn on Tuesday if they will be allowed by Fifa to leave the club and sign for another one. (Various)

Striker Fabian Yantorno is expected to leave Gretna as the cash-strapped club cannot afford medical treatment on his knee. (The Herald)

Bolton defender Abdoulaye Meite has turned down the chance to join Ipswich on loan, despite the clubs agreeing a deal. (The Independent)

Hibernian striker Steven Fletcher says he is happy to remain at Easter Road next season despite being watched by Real Madrid. (Various)

Personalised Christmas gifts

Scooped! produce brilliant personalised newspaper front pages and personalised magazines as gifts for all occasions - including Christmas.

A personalised Christmas newspaper front page is the perfect personalised birthday gift.

Put the happy couple on the front page of the paper and make them smile!

Here are just three of our cracking Christmas front pages.

Scooped! produce spoof newspapers in two newspaper styles - The Scoop (red-top tabloid style) and The Daily Scoop (middle-market style)

As well as our standard birthday pages you can also buy a ScoopSport back page - where sports fans can 'sign' for their favourite team, be named their 'No1 fan' or even 'buy' the club.

With our exclusive showbiz front pages, music fans can 'join' their favourite pop or rock band.

All our personalised newspaper front pages are written and designed by real journalists. Stick with the experts, stick with Scooped!

Funny newspaper stories

A new survey reveals that marriages have a better chance of surviving if the woman's better looking than the man.
No chance of The Editor getting divorced then ...

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ...

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

My losing streak continues - I had tipped Celtic, Man U and Chelsea yesterday but was convinced by a mate that Liverpool would 'definitely' get something at Old Trafford so foolishly went for a draw.
Doh!
There's a full Easter Monday card in League One and Two and I'm going for £1 four-folds and a five-fold on MK Dons, Hereford, Barnet, Peterboro and Carlisle.
All up for £82.

Paper talk

My football gift to you .... all the transfer talk, rumours and gossip from today's newspapers!

Bolton striker El-Hadji Djouff has been criticised by his team-mates and told to start performing. (Various)

Liverpool midfielder Javier Mascherano faces an FA disciplinary after being sent off for dissent against Manchester United. He could be banned for five games. (Various)

Tottenham are closing in on Sevilla striker Luis Fabiano, who is the top scorer in Spain. (Daily Mirror)

However, Manchester City, Manchester United, Roma and Real Madrid are also keen on the Brazilian. (Daily Mail)

But Spurs striker Darren Bent has hinted he may to leave the club this summer if he cannot forced his way into the starting line-up. (Various)

Newcastle boss Kevin Keegan has pleaded with the club to offer Michael Owen a new deal immediately. (Various)

Tottenham defender Pascal Chimbonda remains hopeful of agreeing a new deal - but has also refused to rule out a move to Newcastle. (Daily Mail)

Birmingham have been told on-loan Al Sadd striker Mauro Zarate will cost £20m to sign permanently. ( Daily Mirror)

Cardiff and Leeds are bidding to hijack Swansea's move for Stockport skipper Ashley Williams. (Daily Mail)

Funny newspaper phrases

Journalists love nothing more than a good "knobbly monster" - a desperate attempt not to use the same word again . . . when there is only one.
Named after Paul Hudson, who was writing about alligators when, having used up "reptiles", he resorted to "the knobbly monsters".
I came across this belter of a knobbly in yesterday's News of the World ...

Tennent's Super - the super-strong syrupy lager loved by tramps and trouble-makers.

Lookalikes

A Labour peer has accused the leader of Scotland's Catholic Church of misleading the public over the government's embryo research proposals.

Fertility expert Lord Winston told the Daily Telegraph that statements made by Cardinal Keith O'Brien were "lying" and "misleading", discrediting the Church.

That's all very well but why did The Telegraph use a picture of golf legend Sam Torrance (or is it Magnum????)

Funny newspaper stories

My favourite intro of the weekend came from Jonathan Norcroft's Newcastle/Fulham match report after Kevin Keegan's side recorded his first win in God knows how long.
Branding the Geordies 'incorrigible optimists', he writes 'Knowing Newcastle supporters, some are probably now dreaming of a late bid for a European spot.'
Well, it made me laugh.

Newspaper gifts

The Editor loves a freebie with his morning paper but there's not a great deal to choose from today. The Mail is clutching at straws by offering the Babe DVD at 'just' £2.99 when you can probably buy it online for that while The Express is looking after their green-fingered readers with a free garden 'bumper pack' worth more than £100. Wow!

Funny newspaper stories

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ...

PRESSED FOR TIME
Housewife Marlene Fitton, 45, paid £1,000 for a coaching day with soccer legend John Barnes - but did her ironing instead in Fareham, Hants.

CRUSHING BLOW
Juicers and smoothie makers costing more than £300 scored no higher than £15 blenders in research by Which?

DOUGH RE MI
A horse-drawn carriage, built in 1890 and used by the von Trapps for The Sound of Music, is up for sale.

Paper talk

My football gift to you .... all the transfer talk, rumours and gossip from today's newspapers!

Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan is lining up a summer bid for Tottenham defender Michael Dawson. (Daily Mirror)

Blackburn are planning a move for Valenciennes defender Rudy Mater. (Daily Mail)

Barnsley's highly-rated keeper Heinz Muller is being tracked by several leading Premier League clubs. (Daily Mail)

Everton manager David Moyes has insisted that despite not signing a new contract, he will not walk away from Goodison Park in the summer. (Various)

But Moyes will seek assurances on transfer funds available to him in the summer before committing to the club. (Guardian)

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is already drawing up a secret hit-list of potential managers to replace Avram Grant. Turkey boss Fatih Terim is reported to be one target. (Daily Mirror)
Abramovich is also reported to be reaching 'breaking point' in his determination to keep Avram Grant at the club. (The Independent)

Manchester City are desperate to make a big-name signing in an attempt to curb dwindling crowds at the club. (Various)

Francis Jeffers faces being shown the exit door at Sheffield Wednesday unless he can prove his fitness before the end of the season. (Daily Mirror)

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

It may be Grand Slam Sunday tomorrow but it is super-duper Saturday for me today.
Hibs are my top tip of the day and are ridiculously overpriced at 7/1 to beat shaky Rangers at Ibrox. The Hibees have a fine record there and won 1-0 earlier in the season.

Elsewhere, I'm going for an early and evening kick off coupon and I fancy Spurs (evs) Dundee United (11/10) Evertom (8/11) Leeds (4/5) and for some strange reason Burnley (2/1) Burnley have won one in their last six and Preston have only lost one of their last six but I somehow fancy Owen Coyle's boys. Stick your mortgage on a comfortable home win ...

My main line is Elgin (6/4) Queen of the South (5/4) Ayr (8/11) Hull (8/5) and Newcastle (10/11) - the Geordies have got to win sometime.
£1 four-folds and a five-fold.

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ...

Funny newspaper stories

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ....

BANGED TO RIGHTS
Eight alleged cocaine dealers who used BONGO drums to alert each other when they saw cops coming were arrested in Madrid.

SON OF A GUN
A couple who bought a pram in an internet auction found a 9mm pistol and six bullets inside in Verden, Germany.

UDDER GENUIS
Scots scientists are leading a £60million charge to stop cows BREAKING WIND - in an ingenious bid to halt global warming.
Professors declared war on wind after research showed each pumping beast does more harm to the atmosphere than a family car.

Personalised birthday gifts

Scooped! produce brilliant personalised newspaper front pages and personalised magazines as gifts for all occasions - including birthdays.

A personalised birthday newspaper front page is the perfect personalised birthday gift.

Put the happy couple on the front page of the paper and make them smile!

Scooped! produce spoof newspapers in two newspaper styles - The Scoop (red-top tabloid style) and The Daily Scoop (middle-market style)

As well as our standard birthday pages you can also buy a ScoopSport back page - where sports fans can 'sign' for their favourite team, be named their 'No1 fan' or even 'buy' the club.

With our exclusive showbiz front pages, music fans can 'join' their favourite pop or rock band.

All our personalised newspaper front pages are written and designed by real journalists. Stick with the experts, stick with Scooped!

Newspaper gifts

The Editor loves a freebie with his morning paper and as I also like a wee bet The Star's £5 free bet on Grand Slam Sunday is too good to miss.

The picture of Dani is just a Brucie bonus ..

Paper talk

My football gift to you .... all the transfer talk, rumours and gossip from today's newspapers!

Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill will pay up to £5m to sign Tottenham goalkeeper Paul Robinson in the summer. (Daily Mirror)

West Ham want Newcastle full-back Stephen Carr, who will be a free agent in the summer. (Daily Mirror)

Marseille's former Liverpool striker Djibril Cisse says he wants to return to the Premier League. (The Sun)

Chelsea striker Claudio Pizarro is wanted by Spanish side Villarreal. (The Sun)

Cardiff have made a fresh bid to sign Sunderland striker Michael Chopra on loan. (Various)

Bolton will sell defender Abdoulaye Meite in the summer after he refused to play the second half of Wednesday's defeat by Manchester United. (Mirror)

Hull City and Charlton want Manchester United striker Fraizer Campbell - who has been on loan at the Tigers - but will have to pay £4m for him. (Mirror)

Norwich want to re-sign Derby striker Rob Earnshaw on loan. (The Sun)

Nolberto Solano has turned down MLS side Toronto to negotiate a one-year extension to his West Ham contract. (Daily Mirror)

Scoop6 and other dodgy bets

I've only just discovered there is plenty of football on this fine Good Friday - so it would be nice to line my pockets before splashing out on all those eggs for the wife (damn I ought to get round to that) and kids.

I'm being bold today and going for West Brom (17/10) Swansea (13/8) Doncaster (11/10) Stockport (4/6) and MK Dons/Posh draw (11/5)
£1 four-folds and a five-fold - all up for 250 big ones.

Funny newspaper story

No one supports 'Our Boys' quite like The Sun - but they are taking it too far by trying to reflect on the glories of the war in Iraq.
While the protests continue and other papers tally up the body bags being flown home from Baghdad, the Bun has the incredible headline 'PEACE IN IRAQ ... Five years since allied invasion: We visit oasis of calm'
And to think we mocked Comical Ali ..

Funny newspaper stories

Some funny newspaper stories from today's tabloids ....


BLUNDER AT WILLIES
Woolworths has been rapped for displaying a birthday card to children which portrays a man whacking his manhood with a hammer. It depicts him acting out the word 'Bangkok' in a game of charades but was picked up by a three-year-old girl in a store in Southampton.

I'M DEAD BUSY
A civil servant was left lying dead at her desk after two days because none of her colleagues noticed in Botosani, Romania.

FIRE FIGHTER
Cop Tom Redmond tailed an arson suspect - and nicked him siphoning petrol from his unmarked petrol car in Lambertville, Michigan.

Newspaper front pages

Too busy too read the papers? Don't worry The Editor brings you the best of what the papers have to offer each day. Here's what making the news today ...

Personalised anniversary gifts

Scooped! produce brilliant personalised newspaper front pages and personalised magazines as gifts for all occasions - including wedding anniversaries.

A personalised anniversary newspaper front page is the perfect personalised anniversary gift.

Put the happy couple on the front page of the paper and make them smile!

Scooped! produce spoof newspapers in two newspaper styles - The Scoop (red-top tabloid style) and The Daily Scoop (middle-market style)

You can toast the happy couple with a special first anniversary newspaper front page, mark their silver or golden anniversary or even name the special husband and wife team 'Couple of the Year'.

All our personalised newspaper front pages are written and designed by real journalists. Stick with the experts, stick with Scooped!